Secrets Revealed
by straydogfreedom
Summary: Harry hasn't been dealing with Sirius' death well and has been self-harming. Remus finds out and confronts the issue.
1. Chapter 1

I know I should be asleep but the truth is I am so scared right now. Because I know that Remus saw the cuts and I know that he is going to ask me about them in the morning. The only reason he didn't ask last night was because I quickly went to bed. I can't tell whether he's going to be sad, mad or just disappointed. I just hope it's not disappointed, because I don't think I could bare that.

It's around four when I finally drift off to sleep and I wake up at seven to the smell of bacon and eggs. I find a hoodie and pull it on, trying to cover myself as possible. I give one last glance in the mirror before leaving my room and descending the stairs. I can partly see Remus and I can already tell that he's troubled. I quietly walk into the kitchen and sit down.

"Good morning, Harry. How are you feeling?" Remus says cheerfully, though I can tell that it's forced.

"I'm good…" I mutter.

"Great, that's wonderful… Are you sure? Did you get any sleep last night Harry?" He says, more weary this time.

I just give him a smile as he sets a plate down in front of me and I focus on the meal, trying get as much pleasure from the taste as I can though everything tastes so bitter.

When we both are finished and our plates are rinsed and put away he sits me down in the lounge and starts talking, in a voice as if he was speaking to a three year old.

"Harry, we need to talk." He says very softly. I nod slowly, desperately hoping that he will get distracted and forget about the whole thing. "I want you to know that you're not in any trouble and that you can speak to me about anything okay, I'm not going to be angry or mad, okay?"

I nod dumbly and he gives me a pat on the knee.

"I saw something last night Harry, something that has left me very worried and concerned. I saw… cuts on your arms Harry. I believe they were self inflicted too, is this true?" He says, worry evident on his face.

I nod again and he sighs.

"You have to stop. This isn't healthy nor do I believe it will help with the grief you are feeling right now. Is this because of Sirius?" He says, keeping his voice even.

I nod again.

"I thought so…" He said. "Listen to me Harry. You will stop cutting and doing anything else that involves you harming yourself on purpose. If you do not stop you will see a doctor. If you feel any urges, any at all, I want you to speak to me, or write it down. I will always be there for you kiddo. Always. Okay?"

I nod again and Remus gives my hand a squeeze before standing up and leaving the room.


	2. Chapter 2

Well, hello to whoever is reading this. Well originally this was just going to be a one shot but I got a lovely review from ShiningPikachu so I wrote another chapter and I hope to write many more. Also, I've got a bit of writers block so I would be **extremely** grateful if any of you could offer your feedback on what you want to happen in the next chapter. I know this chapter is a little weak, I got very frustrated writing it because I couldn't think of ideas, I tried to make it between 2500 - 3000 words but I only managed 1250, but hey, that's a step up from my first chapter. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. :)

**REMUS POV**

I'm awake in bed, it's 3:00 AM. I can't sleep. I have this fatherly urge to go and check on Harry every five minutes because I am so worried about him and what he'll do I mean, I knew he hadn't been dealing with Sirius' death well but never in my life would I have imagined that he would do anything like this. Part of me worries if it's my fault, because maybe I haven't been their for him.

He's been staying with me since school has finished, we've had extra wards put in, almost the whole Order petitioned to take Harry from the Dursley's. The majority of us didn't trust Harry to be there for the summer, not after Sirius, because we know the Dursley's do not like Harry and he was already emotionally unstable, spending the whole summer with people who have never cared for him wouldn't do any good. Now I'm so glad that he's not there. I can't have even imagined what he would have done, how bad it could've gotten.

Part of me wants to tell someone from the order or one of his friends or at least another adult that gives a damn about him about last night's discovery. But I don't think he'd take it well and I don't want to upset him anymore, he's already been through so much. I have to get him to talk to me about it though, because I know he's not going to stop just like that.

* * *

It's around 4:30 when I give up trying to sleep and get out of bed, planning on going downstairs to make a coffee and read. But when I'm walking across the landing I hear something that makes my heart stop. It's quiet, barely audible , in fact I have to strain my ears to hear it but it's unmistakable. Harry is crying, all bu himself in his bedroom in the early hours of the morning. I don't think it's the first time either.

I have no idea what to do. Part of me wants to run, to go back to bed and hide under the covers away from the tortured sobs coming from him, because I don't know how to deal with an upset teenager, especially my dead best friends son. This leaves part of me wishing for James, because he'd know what to do, he'd be the one comforting Harry right now, telling him that everything was going to be right, like a father should. I know I can't do that though. Another part of me, a bigger part urges me to run into his room and pull him into my arms. To assure him that things will get better… that he'll always have me, that he'll never be alone. But that's not true, every month at the full moon I ship him off to the Weasley's for the night.

I know he doesn't like going there, I see how upset he gets when I mention that the full moon is coming up, but I have no other choice. I can't leave him in the house alone, especially not now. I don't even understand why he does not enjoy going there anymore, I mean Harry and Ron have been best friends since their first day of Hogwarts and it hurts me to see how much has changed since the Sirius' death. I've seen the way Harry gets so tense around him now, how every word sounds forced, how he looks like he's about to cry whenever Ron asks him a question. I know Molly is worried, I can just see the way she looks at him with tears in her eyes, Harry is like a son to her and she's probably the closest he'll ever have to a mother. After every single visit she always sits me down with a coffee and talks to me and asks me how he is coping and every time it's always the same damn answer, "I don't know". But I don't think that's the truth though, because he isn't coping, not even a little bit and I don't know what to do about it.

After ten minutes of silent debating in my end I decide to go in and talk to him. I have no idea what to say but I just want to be with him, to put my arm around him and to tell him that he doesn't have to do everything on his own anymore, that he's been doing that for too long, that there's always someone he can talk to. Of course I don't think it will work. He's spent years keeping all his emotions inside and expecting him to just let the invisible barrier drop in two seconds and pretty much impossible.

I lightly knock at the door and immediately the crying stops, I can almost picture Harry's reaction and I get scared. I wonder if he's been cutting, but that's impossible because I've locked away anything sharp. But he could find something, couldn't he? He's smart, smarter than your average fifteen year old.

Slowly I open the door and walk slowly in. The room is dark but I can see the unmistakable dark figure of Harry curled up in a corner of the room, leaning against the wall and my heart drops, because suddenly I know this is not the first time and I silently curse myself for not realizing sooner.

"Harry?" I start to speak, my voice comes out much more weary than I intended. I take a deep breath and start again "Harry, are you okay?"

I hear him sniff and I can tell he doesn't want to say anything. I can't think of anything to say either so I do the only thing I can think of which is to walk over to him and sit down right beside him.

"I'm sorry Harry. I didn't realize it was this bad, I'm sorry I haven't noticed and I'm sorry I haven't been here for you this summer… I'm sorry I failed you so bad." I stop talking then, afraid I'm going to start crying if I continue on. I can't even look at Harry.

"B-but you didn't Remus… It's my fault, I killed-" Harry begins, his voice is heartbreaking and I have to stop him. He blames himself, he thinks he killed Sirius and he probably thinks that I think that too. I feel sick now, how could I not have noticed this?

"No, Harry, do not speak like that. You didn't kill him, it was Sirius' idea to go to the Ministry that day, not yours." I say, trying to keep my voice firm which is hard considering the amount of sleep I've gotten over the last few days

"But, if I hadn't of gone…" Harry says and his voice is so fragile and broken that I want to cry.

"Harry, you have to realize that you are not to blame. Not at all. You can't take back what happened, what's done is done and nothing you can do will change that."

It is silent for a while. Then Harry speaks. "But… I miss him so much."

I have no idea what to say… Because I have no idea how to help Harry. I can't bring back Sirius for him, I can't help ease the guilt that he feels and I don't even know how to tell him that things will be okay.

Because they won't be alright. Not this time.


	3. Chapter 3

Hi, It's three am and I can't sleep so I just thought I would write chapter three. I know it's not very good and I do think there a few mistakes so for that I apologize. I just wanted to get it up and out of the way. Anyway I think it'd be really nice if you guys would review since no one really seems to be doing it. I don't even know If I will continue writing if no one seems to like it. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter and any ideas for chapter four would be extremely helpful. :) Love, Georgia.

* * *

It's been a long night, Remus and I stayed up talking for hours. It's eight o'clock in the morning now, and Remus has just left my room. I know I won't be able to sleep so I don't even bother. I wonder if Remus will be able to sleep and I assume he will, he's exhausted, I can tell.

Remus told me, promised me that I would feel better once I talked and told him everything that was on my mind. But I DON'T feel better, though I definitely don't feel worse. Just sort of numb inside like I always do. I want to be numb though, to get away from the guilt that has plagued me for months, to get away from feeling anything at all.

Suddenly I have a sick desperation to cut. These urges come and go though they never completely falter. I know I can't though, Remus has taken literally everything that I could use to harm myself. I know I should go talk to him again, because he told me to tell him when I felt I needed to cut. What if he's asleep though? I can't wake him up, not if I've kept him up all night. He has too much on his mind, what with the full moon coming up and his 'shocking discovery' the night before. No, It's best to just leave him to rest.

After half an hour I get sick of waiting around my room and get up to get washed and dressed for the day. I have a long hot shower, letting the water soothe me as I contemplate the happenings of the night. I feel guilty for putting Remus through so much worry, he doesn't have too care but he does and I appreciate it.

There's an order meeting here at two. I wonder if Remus is going to tell them about the cuts, but I don't think he would, at least not without consulting me first. I don't want anyone else to know. I think Remus understands how upset I would be if he told someone and I think that's the last thing he wants me to be right now, he knows I'm depressed and he doesn't want to enhance that. He wants me to get better and I don't know if that will work if he goes off and tells the whole order.

So it'll just be our little secret for now, unless it get's worse. He's already talked to me about eating more, he thinks I'm getting too thin and too a certain extent I am, but he doesn't need to worry, I'm not getting anorexic, I just don't have much of an appetite anymore, not since Sirius.

He also spoke to me last night about me not getting enough sleep. I can't help it though, I try to get to sleep, I really do, but no matter what I do I can't seem to find sleep and when I do fall asleep from shear exhaustion it doesn't last long as nightmares plague me and within about an hour of falling asleep I wake up panting and sweating, my sheets soaked. I didn't tell him about the nightmares though, not another thing for him to worry about.

It is around lunch time when Remus finally wakes up, he still looks tired and a fresh wave of guilt splashes over me. He should not have had to get out of bed to comfort me. I could've done it by myself, I've been doing it all summer anyway.

"You don't look too good Harry. Did you get any sleep?" Remus asks, his voice heavy with fatigue.

"A little." I lie and Remus is too tired to notice. "I-I'm sorry for keeping you awake last night Remus, I'll be quieter next time."

As Remus looks at me it is clear that this was not the right thing to say. "No, Harry. It's okay, I don't mind staying up with you, I don't want you to be upset and if you are, no matter what time it is or how tired I am, I want you to come see me and we will talk it through. You've been doing things on your own too long Harry, I don't want you to go through this on your own. Do you understand?"

I'm lost for words so I only nod dumbly. Remus gives a small smile and squeezes my shoulder before going into the kitchen too make us some lunch. So I sit down on the sofa and try to stay awake, it's hard though and I feel like I'm just about to drift off when there is a loud smash from the kitchen, followed by a curse word uttered from the mouth of the usually calm Remus Lupin.

I quickly get up and hurry to the Kitchen. Remus is kneeling down and trying to pick up lots of smashed pieces of plate. I feel bad, I should've have been helping him. Once everything is cleaned up, I clear my throat and Remus looks up.

"Sorry, didn't see you there Harry, uh, sorry about my language before…" Remus says a little calmer now and I give him a small smile and I see his eyes light up. I think he's glad that I'm smiling, a rare thing for me now-a-days. "Uh, why don't you take a seat? I'm sorry, it's just noodles for lunch, I can't really be bothered cooking anything big, plus the meeting is starting soon."

I nod, and sit down while Remus sets a bowl of noodles before me. I'm not hungry though and only play around with them, taking small bites when I think Remus is watching. He can tell I'm not eating it though and I hear him sigh. "Remember what I said about eating Harry? I don't want you getting sick."

Once Remus thinks that I have eaten enough he sends me upstairs for a nap and I happily collapse on my bed and fall asleep.

* * *

When I wake up I'm rather surprised to find that it's 8.00AM, which means that I've slept for almost 18 hours. I find it odd that I wasn't awoken by nightmares, but I was in a rather deep sleep. I get out of bed and head to the bathroom, after washing and dressing I go downstairs to find Remus in the kitchen sitting at the table reading the Daily Prophet.

"Ah, Harry, I was just going to come and get you up, you've been asleep for a while, I went to see you when the meeting was over but you were out like a light. Well sit down, and make sure you eat a lot, you missed Dinner last night and it is essential that you make up for it." He says, his voice is full of energy and I'm glad that I didn't keep him up.

I eat a bowl of cereal, a couple of slices of toast and a glass of apple juice, when I'm about to get up from the table to wash my dishes Remus stalls me.

"Do you think you could eat a bit more Harry? Maybe some Bacon and Eggs?" Remus says, and I can tell by his voice that he really does want me too. I don't want to upset him so I nod and sit back down as he dishes my food onto my plate. I take small bites as I do feel sick but I don't want to bother Remus. When I feel I have eaten as much as I can, I get up and wash mine and Remus' dishes.

"So, what do you feel like doing today Harry? Maybe an outing?" He says, his voice full of enthusiasm.

I frantically shake my head, I don't want to go outside, I know how awful it will be. I know that everyone will stare at me. They all know that I killed Sirius. They'll all make sure that I know that they know as well. I should go though, I deserve it, I deserve for everyone to laugh at me, to yell at me, because I killed him. It was all my fault and I deserve to rot in hell.

My eyes start too tear up and Remus notices straight away. He gently takes me by the arm and he sits me down on the couch, one arm coming to wrap around my shoulders and I cave into him. I don't even know why I'm this upset, it's not like he said anything bad, he just asked a simple question and I responded like a baby.

But I've started now and I can't bring myself to stop. I cry harshly into Remus' shoulder and he uncertainly rubs my back, I can tell he is worried because not five minutes ago I was fine and now, here I am, in his arms unable to stop crying.

"What's wrong Harry?" He whispers into my ear, his voice uncertain. I don't answer him though, just hold onto him tightly, because at the moment I feel like he's the only grip I have on reality. It's like if I let go, he'll fade away, and I don't know what I'll do if he goes away…

* * *

I immediately sit up in bed and try to catch my breath. My sheets are soaked and I realize with a flash of self-hatred that it's not just sweat too. Great, if having Remus put me to bed after lunch isn't babyish enough for me now I've gone and wet the bed like a stupid toddler.

I get out of bed and immediately set about changing the sheets, I try to be quiet, the last thing I want is Remus to come in and see what a baby I am. My efforts fail though when I trip over something on the ground and I cry out as I hit the hard wooden floor.

I let out a hiss as I attempt to stand up, my knee is throbbing and I feel dizzy. I cover my eyes when the door opens and the light streams in from the hallway. Immediately Remus takes my arm and helps me stand keeping one arm on my shoulder to keep me steady.

"What were you doing Harry? It's 3:00AM, you should be in bed asleep?" Remus says, his voice harsh and I wonder what he's going to say when he notices my pyjamas. Is he going to be angry, upset, or just worried?

"I just had a nightmare, that's all." I say and I try to break free from his grasp but he keeps a tight grip.

"You had an accident." He says, and it's a statement not a question. I just nod and flush deep red. I feel like I want to cry.

"It's not something to be embarrassed about Harry. Don't be upset, these things happen. Why don't you go take a shower and get into some fresh pyjamas? I'll clean up here." Remus says gently. I nod and quickly leave the room heading for the bathroom.


	4. Chapter 4

Hello everybody, I'm glad to see that a lot of you are enjoying the story. I do not think it will be too long before I get the next chapter up, I've already started it. I've got exams coming up in about two weeks at school and I haven't studied for them much, which I imagine I will regret soon, but that's okay. Please don't hesitate to review or to ask me a question. :) Thank you, Georgia.

* * *

I heave a sigh as Harry immediately exits the room. I speculate how long he has been having these nightmares for? They've got to be bad if he's wet the bed because of them. I feel guilty to some extent because I never thought of nightmares, not even once. This only reminds me of how much I have failed Harry this summer.

I take off the sheets on the bed and dry the mattress with a simple spell before turning it over. I pick up the sheets and carry them down the stairs and to the laundry. After that I proceed to the linen cupboard and retrieve some immaculate fresh sheets.

When Harry gets out of the washroom I am sitting on his bed waiting for his arrival, he walks in and I give him a small smile.

"Uh, I put my pyjamas in the laundry…" He says anxiously, and I nod to show that that is alright before patting the space beside me. He walks forward and hesitantly sits down.

"How long have you been having nightmares?" I question and I keep my tone soft but also firm.

Harry takes a long breath before he answers. "Since he died, I guess…"

I exhale "Are they every night?"

"Pretty much." He mutters

"Are they like this all the time? I mean, do you always… wet the bed?" I ask and I can tell Harry is reasonably tentative to respond to this question, out of embarrassment of course.

"Only every now and then, like once a week or something. It generally only happens when the dream is really bad."

"I would like for you to come into my room and wake me up. It does not matter whether you have a bad dream or you would just like someone to talk to, okay Harry? I do not want you to have to be on your own. I want you to come and talk to me, regardless of what time it is. I care about you, Harry…" I say softly.

Harry nods slowly, though I already know that he is not truly going to wake me up if he does have a bad dream. So once he gets settled in bed and I exit the room I cast an utterly quiet charm. One that will inform me should Harry awaken in the night.

* * *

When I get up in the morning Harry is already downstairs in the living room with his homework spread out all around him. He gives me a small smile when I walk in and I am glad of it. I sit down beside him and silently peer at what he is doing.

"Do you need any help?" I ask and Harry gently shakes his head. He does seem to know what he is doing.

"The full moon is tomorrow night Harry." I say as casual as I can but he still freezes. I gently put my hand on his shoulder. "I know you don't want to go to The Burrow, but I'm afraid that it's your only option, I'm sorry Harry but it's just too dangerous anywhere else."

Harry nods slowly, knowing. "But you won't tell them will you? About the cutting… Because I've stopped, I swear!"

I know that Harry has stopped, but I don't know whether that is of his own will or the fact that there is nothing that he could use to harm himself.

"I know you've stopped Harry and I'm very proud of you, but you have to promise me, that you will not cut while you are there, that you will not harm yourself in anyway." I say, and my voice is very firm.

"Yes, Remus I promise." Harry says and he sounds so nervous, so on edge that I don't suspect he would even think of doing it.

"Okay… I won't tell them. I don't know about the nightmare situation though…" I say slowly.

"I, uh… I usually don't sleep while I'm there…" Harry says and his voice is so quiet.

"You don't sleep… Oh god, Harry, you can't do that, you can't just not sleep…" I say, my voice full of disbelief.

"I'm sorry, it's just that, I don't want to wake anybody up, and what if I wet the bed while I'm there? What am I going to say to Ron?" Says Harry and he sounds near tears.

"I think it'd be best if I spoke to Molly, Harry" I say slowly and I look at him. I realize how pale he is, and I squeeze his shoulder.

"Y-you can't. NO. You can't. You cannot tell her Remus. Why can't I just take some dreamless sleep? Please?" Harry is so upset and desperate that I can't even think about denying it.

"I think that would be fine if just for tomorrow night…" I say. "But I still need to speak to Molly, I won't be specific, I will just tell her that you haven't been sleeping well lately and that she should check on you before she heads to bed. Does that sound alright?"

Harry nods and I'm glad that we have come to an agreement.

* * *

It's ten in the morning and Harry and I have just finished breakfast. Harry has his bags packed and we're almost ready to head to the Weasley's. I've put the dreamless sleep potion in his suitcase, tightly enclosed in some of Harry's clothing. Not only to conceal it but to also stop it from breaking.

"Right, Harry. Are you ready to go?" I ask politely and Harry nods. "Remember what you promised kiddo."

He nods again and I say "Right, do you want to go first?"

Harry reaches over to the mantle and takes a handful of floo powder. He throws it in the fire and jumps in after commanding "The Burrow" and I do the same two minutes later.

Ten minutes later we're both sitting around at the table drinking tea and eating biscuits. Harry is quiet as he usually is at the Weasley's and Molly keeps giving him worried glances.

"So Harry, how has your summer been?" Arthur asks, his voce full of enthusiasm.

"They've been okay, I guess. I haven't done much." Harry murmurs.

"The weather has been fantastic. It's no use wasting your days inside" Arthur says and Molly nods in agreement.

"Why don't you go join the boys and Ginny outside, they're playing quidditch." Molly offered gently.

Harry just shook his head and murmured "Do you mind if I go upstairs and work on my homework Mrs Weasley?

"Of course I don't mind sweetheart." Molly said. Harry stands up and quietly leaves the room.

As soon as Harry is out of earshot she turns to me and I can already tell that she is fighting back tears. "How long has he been like this Remus?"

"He's been miserable all summer… you know that. But the recent few weeks, he's been extremely upset, and I don't even know what to do… I don't how to help him Molly." I speak, spilling out the thoughts that have distressed me for weeks.

She reaches over and gently pats my hand. "Maybe you should think about professional help… like a muggle psychiatrist. It'd be good for him Remus, they know what they're doing"

I shake my head "Try getting Harry to talk about his feelings Molly. He will not do it, he just keeps things bottled up inside and I'm scared that one day he's going to burst and have some sort of, I don't know… nervous breakdown."

"I didn't realize it was this bad, Ron spoke to me about him last month, he said that Harry didn't talk to him or anyone else at all. They were best friends Remus…" Molly said, sounding near tears.

"And they still are Molly. Harry's just going through a rough patch at the moment." I say, though my voice lacks confidence.

"What about Hogwarts?" Arthur cuts in.

I frown "What about it?"

"Well, do you think he will be… ready? You know he's not coping will, if at all and he's barely speaking to anyone. How will he be able to deal there?" Arthur says and I sigh, I had never thought about how he would cope at school.

"I don't know Arthur. I think I'll have to talk to Dumbledore." I say quietly.'

"Maybe he shouldn't go back." Molly says, her voice so quiet that I wonder if she actually said it.

"No… No, he has to go back. It's Hogwarts. It is his home" I say, though I don't even know if I believe what I am saying.

"He could stay with you, just for the first term. I don't even think Harry wants to go back Remus. I don't think it would help him, it would just get worse, he doesn't have anyone he can talk to while he's there, not someone like you Remus…" She says.

"Okay, I'll talk to Dumbledore about it. He will decide, he will know what is right. I should go back now, it's getting quite late." I say and I stand up and let out a deep breath. "Oh right, Harry has been having some problems sleeping lately, do you think you'd mind checking in on him before you go to bed? Just to make sure he is asleep."

"Of course dear." Molly says and I give her a grin.

"Right, I will go check on Harry before I leave…" I say and I quietly leave the kitchen and make my way up the stairs to Ron's room. The door is shut and I gently knock. I hear a soft "Come in" and I open the door.

Harry is sitting with his back against the wall reading over an essay. "Hey Harry. I just though that I would check up on you before I left. Are you sure you will be okay tonight?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine." He says softly and I smile at him.

"I spoke to Molly and Arthur. They said that they will check up on you before they go to sleep. Try not to stay up too late Kiddo." I say gently.

"I won't, and I'll eat properly and I'll take my potion… and I won't cut. Okay?" He says his emerald green eyes boring into mine.

I give him a smile. "I'm going to leave now, okay Harry?"

He nods and just as I am about to leave the room Harry quickly stands up and walks over to me. He gives me a small hug and I return it. "You'll be okay Harry…" I whisper and we break apart.

"Bye Remus" he says gently. I leave the room and shut the door.

_Maybe things will be alright..._


	5. Chapter 5

Hello everybody. I'm glad to see a lot of you are enjoying as I am getting a lot of story alerts and favorites, so thank you. I'm on a little bit of a high right now because I just won a Glee competition and I am getting a t-shirt and some CD's, so this is cool. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter. I'm sorry it's not very long, but I've been busy with studying recently and I wanted to get this chapter up because it might be a while before I can update again. Much love, Georgia.

* * *

We've just had dinner at The Burrow. I am in Ron's room sitting on his spare bed trying to read a potions book, but my mind is elsewhere. After a while of trying to concentrate I give up and stretch back on the bed and start thinking about the events of the day.

Ron has not even tried to speak to me, the twins have said a few words and Ginny has tried on numerous occasions to start a conversation with me, though I haven't spoken to any of them. Mrs Weasley keeps giving me sad looks and Mr Weasley keeps patting me on the shoulder.

For a second I wonder if Remus has told them, about the cutting and the nightmares, but I relax. He promised and Remus, the man that I know would never break a promise and I am thankful for that. Thankful that I have someone I can trust. I haven't had many.

It feels odd to be up in Ron's room by myself. I can't keep my mind from traveling back to when Ron and I used to have so much fun in this room. Because we were best friends and we did things that best friends did. Stayed up late at night, talked about girls, played exploding snapped, ate sweets until we were sick.

Here I am wondering how that has changed. I know it's my fault, Ron has made an effort and I've just blocked him out, refused his offers to help and ignored him when he has tried to start a conversation.

He was my first friend. My first real friend. Ever since we met at the train station today… and it was nice. Nice to meet somebody who actually cared. Who didn't hate me. Who didn't like me because I was the boy who lived but for who I am

I've gone and ruined all that now… I can't help myself, tears roll down my face and then the urge comes back. The urge to cut, the urge to slice, the urge to feel something that isn't pain.

I know I can't. I made a promise. To Remus, the one who has always been there for me, who has helped me through everything this past summer. The one who told me to stop cutting not to cause me misery but because he cared about me, because he didn't want to see me hurt.

But the urge is too strong. I **need** to cut, I need to get a knife or another sharp alternative and pierce the skin. I need to watch the blood leaking from the cut and I need to feel alive. Something that I haven't felt in weeks.

I can't help myself, I quickly stand up and wipe my face. I make my way towards the door, open it and peek out, nobody is close by and I breathe a sigh of relief. Slowly, I exit the room and make my way to the bathroom. I lock the door and immediately start looking for something.

My eyes light up as I see a razor beside the sink. I quickly pick it up and gaze at it for a moment. How I can't wait to cut, to feel the pain, to ease the numbness. I pocket it and flush the toilet. I look at myself in the mirror for a moment and I can't help but wonder if Remus will find out.

He can't though, there is no possible way that he could ever find out unless I tell him myself. There is no way he is going to look at my arms, he has no reason. He trusts me. Unless he doesn't… but what have I done to make him not trust me. Nothing. I have done nothing therefore he has no reason to believe that I have broken our promise and cut. I breathe a sigh of relief and silently exit the bathroom and make my way down the hall to Ron's bedroom.

After I have settled down on Ron's spare bed I roll up my left sleeve. I gently lay the razor on the skin and take a deep breathe. Then very slowly I move it and it cuts into the skin, causing pain almost immediately and I breathe a sigh of relief. Almost immediately blood starts flowing from the slit and I take pride in this. I almost feel whole again. Like things will be okay.

Then just as I am positioning the razor slightly further down to make another slice the door crashes open and I jump causing the razor to dig into my skin, leaving a messy cut.

But that is not what I am most worried about right now. I'm more concerned with the fact that Ron is standing in the door staring at me with wide eyes. Just before I can say anything he bolts and I can hear him running down the stairs calling for his Mum and Dad.

I silently curse myself and try to wipe the blood up with my sleeve. It is no good, the cuts are so deep that they just keep bleeding and bleeding. I want to cry again. Because I know that any second Mr and Mrs Weasley are going to come up here and they are going to find the cuts. They will tell Remus and… I don't want to think about this anymore because if I do I **know** that I am going to be sick and I try to focus on different things.

Then almost as if on cue Ron's parents come bursting through the open door and I start to cry and almost immediately Mr Weasley is sitting beside me with his arm wrapped around me while Mrs Weasley is looking at my arm.

I will myself to stop the tears but it isn't working. **Nothing** will make me stop crying, nothing at all. I want Remus, more than anything. Because he would know what to do, more than anyone else.

"Stop crying Harry, it is going to be okay, we're not mad at you okay? We're just going to fix this up and then we're going to have some tea and a wee talk" Mrs Weasley says, her gentle voice cutting through the tears and no matter how much she wills her voice to be calm I can still hear the anxiousness in it.

As she starts healing my arm I wince and Mr Weasley takes my hand and squeezes it gently. I just want to get away, from this embarrassing situation. I want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I don't want to think about Remus. I'd rather kill myself than have to face the conversation that we are going to have when he comes to pick me up tomorrow.

This causes a fresh wave of tears and this time **nothing** can comfort me, because I am so scared.

* * *

Around half an hour later, Mr Weasley, Mrs Weasley and I are sitting around the kitchen table drinking tea and eating scones. My arm is bandaged up but it is still a little sore and Mr Weasley has one hand on my shoulder.

"Does Remus know?" Mrs Weasley asks very gently.

I nod my head and she sighs. "Why didn't he tell us? How are we supposed to deal with something like this?"

"I promised him that I wouldn't do it…" I say softly.

"How long has it been going on Harry?" Mr Weasley asks this time.

"Ugh, since Sirius died I guess…" I say.

"And Remus has known the whole time?" He asks.

"No, he only found out a few days ago, when he saw the cuts on my arm. He told me to stop and I did… until tonight I guess."

"You know we are going to have to tell him tomorrow Harry?" Mrs Weasley says gently.

"He's going to be upset…" I whisper.

"I imagine he will be very upset but also concerned, more than anything else I believe. I think he will be intent on getting someone that will help you." Mr Weasley says very firmly.

"Getting someone that will… What are you saying?" I say to him nervously and Mrs Weasley sends him a dark look.

"Harry, you're ill." Mr Weasley says so matter-of-factly that I want to punch him. I want to get up from the table and tackle him. I will myself to keep calm, because he is wrong, I am perfectly healthy.

"No, I'm not. You don't understand. I'm fine. I'm not some fucking nut job. I don't need to see a psychiatrist or whatever the hell you're talking about. It's just…" and I cut off realizing that I'm rambling.

"It's just what Harry? That you cut yourself to feel good? That is not normal. You need help." He says and his voice is raised.

"You don't understand. No one understands. Nobody gets it." I say softly.

"Well then help us. Help us understand." He says so softly. I try to fight back tears.

"I can't though. Nobody gets it the way I do. Nothing else helps. Not like cutting." I can't take it anymore and I lay my head in my arms and burst into tears. Mrs Weasley is immediately beside me rubbing my back and whispering meaningless words into my ear.

_I don't think I can do this anymore…_


	6. Chapter 6

Wow, this is embarrassing. I haven't updated this story in so long and I am extremely sorry for the weakness and shortness of this chapter. It's a bit hard to get into this fic after being absent for so long. I will try to do another chapter and I will try to make it a whole lot better. Please review, thanks everyone :)

* * *

**REMUS POV**

I wobbled slightly as I flew out of the floo and into the Weasley's living room and carefully tried to steady myself. Once I had regained my balance I looked around slightly and listened carefully to find out where everyone was, but to my surprise, it was completely silent. Usually the Burrow was never quiet with activities happening all over the place so it was quite a shock. I tried to calm the uneasy feeling in my stomach as I made my way throughout the jumbled house and to the kitchen, the only place where I suspected Arthur and Molly to be.

"I was wondering where you were, the house is awfully -" I was silenced immediately by the weary looks that lay on the faces of Arthur & Molly Weasley as they sat in their tiny kitchen, each with a hot mug of hot chocolate, "What's happened? Is Harry okay?"

"Please sit down Remus, we really need to talk" Molly's tired voice responded.

I quickly sat down in the closest seat and fixed Molly with a level stare. "Is Harry okay Molly?"

"He... Yes, he's technically okay, Arthur and I managed to patch him up, in fact he informed me that you were aware of what he's been doing to himself. Really, Remus? You expect us to be able to care for him without informing us of something that we really should have been informed of."

"What happened?" I said quietly.

"He was using a muggle razor to... to cut himself Remus, to cut his arms. Multiple times, Merlin knows how long he would have gone on for if Ron had not walked in on him."

"I'm sorry Ron had to see that. I really... I'm sorry. I know I should have told you, but Harry promised me that he wouldn't and I guess I believed him, I didn't want to betray his trust. He was just so upset. I don't even know how to deal with any of this. I mean, I'm worried that he's really ill." My voice cracks as I say the word 'ill' and I look down to hide the tears that are threatening to fall.

Now Arthur is speaking "Remus, Harry really needs help. Help that I don't think you're going to be able to give him."

"I know" I quietly say not even bothering to mask the tone of defeat that lay so obvious on the surface "Where is Harry? Is he alright?"

"He was sleeping when I last checked on him about a half hour ago, he's in one of the upstairs bedrooms."

"Thank you."

* * *

Harry is not sleeping when I enter the room, I know this immediately by the bright green eyes that are on me as I carefully open the door. A wave of sadness washes over me as I watch as Harry squeezes them shut when he realises that it is me walking into the room. I can't even begin to imagine how scared he probably feels.

I quietly make my way to the bed where he is 'sleeping' and kneel down beside him. "It's okay kiddo, I know you're awake."

As Harry carefully opens his eyes I immediately notice that he has been crying. I reach my hand out to wipe a stray tear from his cheek.

"Remus?" the hesitant voice asks me.

"It's alright Harry, I'm not angry. I'm going to take you home and I'm going to put you to bed, we don't have to talk about it right now" I try to keep my voice as gentle as possible.

"I'm s-so sorry. I didn't w-want to let you down." Harry responds as he bursts into a fresh set of tears.

I quickly move forward and pull him into my arms and hold him tightly as he sobs in my arms. I feel fresh tears well to eyes as I realise Harry is still profusely apologizing, even with his head tucked firmly into the crook of my neck. I kiss the top of his head and hush him before holding him even tighter.

* * *

I keep my hand on the small of Harry's back as I gently lead him up the stairs and into his bedroom. We have returned home and Harry is exhausted, I know it would be useless to try to talk to him right now so my main focus is on getting him to rest. A huge part of me doubts that Harry slept at all last night.

When we reach Harry's room I open the door and accompany him inside. I hand a pair of pyjamas and avert my eyes as he changes, once I'm sure he is done I lead him over to his bed and gently tuck him in. He is already half asleep by the time I lean over to kiss him on the forehead, but I still see him smile softly.

"I love you kiddo." I whisper softly before standing up and leaving the room.


End file.
